Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Cyber-bullying - A Whole New Level of Teen Aggression

Parents have always been worried about their kids being bullied in middle school, but new technologies have sparked a cyberbullying culture among teens that is more harmful than ever. Brittney's dad knew something was bothering his daughter, but was shocked to find out how serious it was.

Brittney sat at the dinner table, with her hair in her face, poking at her pasta. Her younger brother was talking on and on about the science guy who came to school with a massive snake that the kids could touch and hold. Her dad noticed that she was unusually quiet and hadn’t eaten a thing.

“Brittney, are you okay? You’ve been out of sorts for a couple of days.”
Without looking up, she said “I’m fine”.
“But this is your favorite meal? Why aren’t you eating?"
“I’m just not hungry. Can I go do my homework?”
“You can leave the table if you’re sure you feel okay.”


Brittney went to her room, and stared at her cell phone that was sitting on her desk. She was petrified to turn it on. But, she couldn’t keep it off forever- it’s how she and her friends communicated. But, if she turned it on, the horrible messages would appear….”everyone hates you”…”you have no friends”….”you’re stupid and ugly”… “everyone knows you’re a slut”…Brittney couldn’t imagine who would do this to her. She was quiet and kind of shy, did okay in school, had a small group of 8th grade girls who liked to get together on the weekends. She didn’t even talk to boys. Brittney felt ashamed and frightened. She didn’t want to tell her dad that she had been receiving these awful messages for days because he would only make it worse.

The American Psychological Association defines bullying as "aggressive behavior that is intended to cause harm or distress, occurs repeatedly over time, and occurs in a relationship in which there is an imbalance of power or strength". Technology has led to a new version of bullying that is both virulent and emotionally damaging. Online aggression, or cyber-bullying is an extremely harmful type of bullying that includes sending cruel text messages or photos, impersonating individuals on texts, IM or on the web, and posting hurtful information on social networking sites, such as Facebook and MySpace. It is especially destructive because the abuse can be very public, happen anywhere at anytime, and often the bullies remain anonymous. Kids are afraid to tell their parents, not only because of traditional fears of retribution by the bully, but also they are afraid parents will take away their cell phones and computer access.

So, what should parents do when they find out their child is being cyber-bullied? First of all, parents need to take this seriously and not brush it off as a rite of middle school passage. Barbara Coloroso , a leading expert on adolescent bullying behavior, offers some good advice in her book The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander, updated in 2008. A few of her suggestions:

- Tell your teen not to respond to the cyberbully. This just fuels the cyberbully on.
- Make copies of all messages, pictures, and social messaging pages. Save cell phone voice and text messages. This creates a record of the bullying behavior, helping to identify the bully, and provides evidence in the event that legal action is necessary.
- Set up a message block that allows only known contacts to come through.
- Insist that your child tell you about any additional cyberbullying.

Of course, the most important part of helping your teen when she or he is being cyberbullied, is to help her feel more empowered in this really frightening situation. Start by telling her you understand how much courage it took for her to tell you, and that you realize how scared she must be. Reassure her that you will not take away her cell phone or computer away, or do anything rash, but let her know that she's not alone, and something can be done. Together, there are things you can do. In addition to Ms. Coloroso's advice, we recommend that your teen share information about what is happening with her most trusted friends, and they form a circle of safety around her. Suggest that she talk to the school guidance counselor, and if this is too difficult, offer to go with her. You may also need to contact school administration and, if the bullying continues, it may be necessary to seek legal advice and contact law enforcement.

Monday, November 16, 2009

At Night, Unsupervised, and Everyone's Going

So many times when we are parenting teens, we are faced with a situation that gives us a “pit in our stomach”, and we really don't know what to do. Our kids are growing so fast, eager for more socializing with peers and independence from us, and we often have to decide very quickly whether they are ready to take that next step.

Jake and Matt tumble in the back door after school, dump their backpacks, and head directly to the fridge.
Jake says to Matt,

"The Game against Natick Friday night is going to be awesome."
"I know. Everyone’s meeting at the High School at 7."
"Can you pick me up? I think I need a ride."


Margaret, on a work call in the next room, overhears the boys' conversation, and says “I’m sorry, but I need to call you back”.

"Jake, what’s this about going to a football game Friday night?
"Yeah, it’s a big game. Natick is playing Needham and Fox News is going to be there."
"What parent is going with you?"
"Everyone’s going."
"Okay, but what parent is going to be there with you?"
"I'm in 7th grade- we don't need parents to go with us!!!"
"You know what honey, we have to talk about this."


When our kids were little, we joined play groups and helped each other figure out the big ones - sleeping through the night, refusing to use the potty, biting their siblings, and only eating chicken nuggets. These were daunting issues at the time, and we sought out other parents as empowering partners to provide us with support, advice, solutions and humor. As our kids get older, we begin to lose those supportive connections. Our kids get more independent. We get busier. And there are fewer and fewer daily interactions with parents of other kids. Still, given the challenging issues we face with our teens, we need a network of supportive parent connections now more than ever.

Margaret feels uncomfortable allowing Jake to go unsupervised to a Friday night football game at the high school. She isn't sure if this is appropriate for a seventh grader, yet she doesn't want to be overly protective. Margaret needs to talk about this parenting dilemma with an empowering partner - a mom or dad with similar values and parenting style, who perhaps has older kids and has been through this before - to help her come up with a solution that feels right to her for her 7th grader. Although she likes Jake's friend Matt, she's not sure that Matt's mom and she are on the same page. Instead she calls her friend Laura, who laughs when she hears that Jake thinks he's going to a Friday night football game, at the high school, completely unsupervised. "Don't even think about that. My niece is going to be dancing at half time, so I've got a reason for being there. We'll let the kids go, but tell them I'm keeping an eye on them." Margaret instantly relaxes. With her concerns validated, and a solution that gives Jake more independence, albeit with limits and supervision, her friend has enabled her to be a more empowered parent.

There are a number of things you can do to find empowering partners. Foster connections with the parents of your children's friends on the sidelines at games, in the parking lot at dance or play pick up, at a school event, or simply call a friend to have coffee. Seek out advice from neighbors who have older children. They often have a wealth of practical, hard-won information that they would be pleased to share. Surf the web for parenting sites where moms and dads provide support and advice to one another. And, finally you can reach out to professionals, like us, who work with parents just like you, trying to navigate the challenges of parenting teens!! And, with 8 teens among us, we know all about the “pit in your stomach”.

We would love to hear about an empowering partner in your life, and how he or she helped you resolve a parenting dilemma.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Drinking in Middle School? OMG!

How much influence do parents of teenagers have over the choices their kids make in risky situations? More than most parents think. In fact, data from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services reveals lower rates of current drug, tobacco, or alcohol use for those teens who have conversations about substance abuse with their parents than for those teens who do not talk about this with their parents. Given that reality, the next questions for parents are how to talk to our kids, and when to start. It turns out that it's never too early to talk to our kids about substance abuse, as long as our messages are clear, consistent, and emphasize the positive behavior we expect from our kids.

As soon as she saw the text message, Debbie breathed a sigh of relief, thankful she had talked to her 14 year old daughter about what to do if she found herself in an uncomfortable situation with friends.

Mom pls pick me up at corner of Main & South

Debbie knew something was up because it was a school half–day, and her daughter was hanging with the usual crowd at a friend's house. She didn’t expect to hear from Lisa for another two hours. Stranger still, the pick-up location was more than two streets away from where she should have been . She texted back: coming now
Then she got in the car, and picked her up.

"What’s going on?"
"Nothing."
"Why did you want to come home so early?"
"It just wasn't fun anymore."
"Really? Who was there?"
"I don’t know, everyone. Can we just go home?"


At home, Debbie didn't mention it again, and started folding laundry. Her daughter, who NEVER folds laundry, picked up a dish towel, folded it in half, then said,

"It was kind of weird. Some of the kids got beer from the fridge in the cellar and were drinking it."

Debbie could feel her heart quicken, but somehow managed to stay calm.

"Wow, I'm sure you didn't expect that. What did you think?

" I don't know. It seemed really stupid. I mean, I knew I wasn't going to have any, but the other kids seemed really into it. I could have hung out, but it would have been really boring. So I made up some excuse – a dentist appointment - and I left. I don't know if that was the right thing to do."

"What do you mean? Why not?"

"Well I left Laura and Jenni ( two best friends) there. I probably should have stuck with them, or asked them if they wanted to go too, but I don't know, I just reacted, and left. I feel kinda bad."


At this point, Debbie didn't miss a beat. She went right for the bottom line.

"Lisa, I'm really proud of you. Drinking beer in 8th grade is really dangerous. Kids who do this are really hurting themselves. You made a really good choice deciding to leave, and I'm glad that you knew you could text me and I would come and get you. This won't be the last time you find yourself in this situation. You did the very best you could. Now that you know this could come up, let's think about how you want to handle it next time, so you take good care of yourself, and still feel like you’re a good friend. You did a great job today.”

Learning that our middle schooler has been exposed to high risk behavior, such as teen drinking is extremely anxiety provoking for both parents and their young teens. Debbie did a great job: first- by making her position on underage drinking absolutely clear, second- preparing her daughter with a plan for when she encountered this kind of situation, and then praising her sufficiently when she executed the plan.

Some parents worry that raising topics like drinking, drugs and sex will somehow put these ideas into their child’s head. The reality is that teens are confronted with high risk situations at increasingly early ages, and talking to their parents helps kids to envision what to do when the situation arises. In our Empowerment Fitness® classes for teens and workshops for parents, we emphasize that we move toward what we think about. Of course it is important for parents to tell their kids the reasons why they believe it is bad for teenagers to use alcohol, drugs, and tobacco*,but this is not enough. Equally important is to talk to our kids about what we want them to do in these situations - how to take care of themselves in situations where their friends are using these substances and it is offered to them. We need to talk to our kids about making good decisions and good self-care.


* For more information go the US Health and Human Services website

Thursday, October 15, 2009

They Were All Invited To the Party Except Me!!

Kelly walked into the nurse’s office after lunch on Monday complaining of a stomach ache. The nurse called her mother to pick Kelly up. Once in the car, her mother asked,

"Kelly, when you left for school this morning you felt fine. Did you eat something bad at lunch?"

"No, just take me home."

"Was it bad hamburger meat?"

"Mom, just take me home."

"Milk? Sometimes milk can get sour."

"Mom! Leave me alone! My stomach hurts- just take me home! "


After they got home, the real story trickled out. At the lunch table, Kelly noticed a group of girls, including her three closest friends, huddled around a cell phone looking at photos. When she got closer, she saw they were looking at photos from a birthday party they went to over the weekend – they were all dressed up and hugging. Kelly had been excluded.

It’s no wonder she felt sick. And Kelly’s mother did too. She wanted to pick up the phone and call the other mothers to get them to "fix it". Either that or plan the biggest party of the year, and invite the Jonas Brothers!! Then Kelly’s mom took a deep breath, called her own best friend for a good rant, and took a step back. She realized that fixing the situation, in the long run, would not be empowering to Kelly. She needed to be the adult, and that meant helping her daughter understand what was happening, and help her move through it.

Being occasionally excluded from a party or an event is a rite of passage in middle school life that virtually all kids, even the so-called "popular ones", go through. At this age, kids are just beginning to value themselves as social beings in a very different way than they did in elementary school. They are all struggling to figure out how to do this, and they make a lot of mistakes along the way - primarily because kids this age think entirely about themselves most of the time. It's not that Kelly's friends were actively trying to leave her out or hurt her. They were simply celebrating the fact of their own inclusion, not taking into account how this would make Kelly feel. As Kelly's mother thought about that, it took the edge off and helped her know how to support her daughter.

"You know Kelly, when I was in middle school, I was left out of a big Halloween party, and I remember feeling horrible. I remember that my best friend went to that party and I didn't, and that was the worst part of all."

"So what happened, did you stop being friends?"

"No. I was mad for a while, because I thought that she did this on purpose. I thought she didn't care about me and that's why she went to the party."

"Well, I know that my friends don't care about me. And I hate them."

"Yep, I hated my friend too."

"But looking back, I can see now, that it wasn't about me at all. Kids at this age are just thinking about themselves, in that very moment, and they do the thing that makes them feel good, without thinking very much about how it makes others feel."

"Well, I don't do that. I'm ALWAYS thinking about my friends and I would never do that to them."

"Really? Is that really true? I want you to think about this. If you were the one invited to that party, would you have told your friends? What would you have done at the lunch table?"

Kelly's mom was able to get past her own emotions to help her daughter begin to move forward from a painful situation. By validating her daughter’s feelings, and not attempting to fix things, she was able to open the door to a meaningful conversation. When Kelly realizes that her mother does understand, she's open to her advice. Mom is then in a position to challenge Kelly to see her experience in a different way. Kelly can begin to let go of the idea that her friends deliberately set out to hurt her, and this mental shift away from a victim mindset to a broader understanding of the situation is the cornerstone of resilient thinking. With a shift in perspective, Kelly can then begin to move beyond her feelings and work on how she really wants to connect in the social group.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

One Simple Thing Parents Can Do To Empower Their Daughters

During our teenage years, or as one of our kids likes to say - when the dinosaurs roamed the earth, the feminist movement was picking up steam and influencing media role models for women. For the first time on TV, we saw empowered women doing the great stuff men had always done. Wonder Woman lifted bad guys over her head and threw them over a wall – and looked good doing it. Single mom Shirley Partridge took her carefree musical family around the country in a tie-dyed bus. And young professional Mary Tyler Moore was going to “make it after all” in the big city. They were strong! They were independent! They had career goals and cool bellbottoms!

Who are the TV role models for our daughters?

Self-destructive Britney? Party-Girl Lindsey? Miley with her pole dancing on the Teen Choice awards? It’s depressing.

And harmful. Researchers at the University of Delaware examined the types of media most often viewed by adolescent girls: television, commercials, films, music videos, magazines and advertisements. Although they found a few intelligent female role models, there was an overwhelming amount of negative roles models. The vast majority of women and teenage girls on TV were hyper-concerned with appearance and dating. (1997, Signorielli)

How does this affect our daughters?

Study upon study shows a direct negative effect. The more that adolescent girls are exposed to fashion magazines, music videos, soaps, and commercials that depict thin models, the more they become anxious, angry, dissatisfied with their weight and appearance, and the less confident they feel. (Hargreaves, 2002).

The standard advice – and we agree with it - is to limit your daughters exposure to this media as best you can. Its challenging but worth it.

But that is not all you can do. There is a simple thing that you can do to empower your daughter And that is share stories of everyday heroes. Positive women heroes are everywhere. Women you want your daughter to look up to, admire, and emulate.

The woman down the street who had her niece and nephew come live with her when their parents could no longer take care of them.

The journalist who risked her life crossing enemy lines to tell the truth about the horror of refugee camps.

The teenage celebrity who takes time off from a promising film career to get a college education.

The female astronaut who grew up in your town.

The girl who pitches for the boys varsity baseball team in a town nearby.

The physician who uses her vacation time to work at a medical clinic in Haiti.

Everyday, everywhere people are doing amazing, wonderful, generous things – that the media may or may not pay attention to. Seek out these stories and share them , at dinner, in the car driving to soccer, before they go to bed. Let them know that there are role models out there that you value and that you believe your daughter can be just like them. Or anything else whe wants to be.

Signorielli, N. (1997, April). Reflections of girls in the media: A two-part study on gender and media. Kaiser Family foundation and Children NOW.

Hargreaves, D. (2002). Idealized Women in TV Ads Make Girls Feel Bad. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 21, 287-308.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

It Must Be Mid-August

How can you tell that it's mid August?

The weather is beautiful, but your previously active and sporty son is now sitting on the couch watching re-runs on TV - and won't leave.

You offered to take your daughter and her friends to play mini-golf, a game she loves, but she snips at you, "Who wants to play that stupid game?"

Your friend Sara calls to say she can't meet you for coffee because her three kids are fighting - which is strange because they've been so nice to each other all summer.

What is going on? Why is everyone so "out-of-sorts"?

It’s mid-August Angst!

Although is still feels like summer and should be a relaxed, fun time, your kids see back-to-school ads everywhere, their required summer reading books are only ¼ of the way done and there’s only a few weeks left of summer. Most kids begin to feel “out of sorts” about transitioning back to school, but for kids in high school, it’s especially stressful. And, no wonder they feel this way. For the kids playing fall sports, they face pre-season double sessions and the anxiety of making the team. For others, they feel stress about trying out for music, theater or speech and debate groups, or joining new clubs. And all kids worry about unknown teachers, classes, and lots of homework every night. Toss in SAT prep and college applications and you can understand why they are not feeling their relaxed summer selves.
So, how can you help your stessed teen transition back to school? With compassion, empathy, good humor, and as one mom suggested, “lots of ice cream!”

Give your teen permission to be temporarily “out-of-sorts” and acknowledge that this time of year is just plain stressful for everyone.

Saying it out loud validates their feelings, let’s them know these are normal emotions, and helps to dissipate them.

And, just like when they had to give a speech in front of the class for the first time, or were about to go to sleep-away camp - they stressed, they did it, and they grew from it.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Am I a supermarket stalker?

Ginny told this story.

I am watching the "Cake Boss" on TV with one of my middle school sons, Josh. We love this show for different reasons - me because the bakers make the most astonishing creations out of sugar and flour and Josh because the Cake Boss is funny in a Mafioso kind of way. The shows ends with the Cake Boss, his three small children and his wife sitting around the dinner table:

Cake Boss: What does Daddy do?
Kids: Makes the greatest cakes in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cake Boss: And what does Mommy do?
Kids: Nothing!!
Mother puts her head on the table and the show ends.

Josh turns to me and says, "Wow! Just like you Mom!"

I am speechless.

I know Josh was kidding, but something in me went “Ugh”. Could this be true? Suddenly, my heart was in my throat, and I began to wonder. Four years of college, two years of graduate school, followed by 10 productive years in the working world before I had kids. And now, when I think about how I spend my days, I see they are completely full with mothering - shopping for food, laundry, volunteering in the school library, more laundry, and carting the kids all over the state for hockey and lacrosse. Not exactly where I thought I would be after I got my MBA.

So many fabulous stay-at-home mothers find themselves at this kind of crossroad. Often mid-career women initially feel happy to get out of the rat race and devote themselves fully to their families. But at some point, we get itchy and begin to wonder if there ought to be something more. In one of the groups we ran recently, women had a lot to share on this topic.

“I am busy all day but I am so bored!”
“I love my kids but what am I doing for my brain?”
“I want to do something more but what?”
“If they see me at the supermarket one more time they are going to think I’m a stalker”
“I’m in two book clubs, play tennis, and I joined a knitting class but I still feel like I need something else.”

The hardest part of this for women is feeling stuck. They want to do something for themselves, but they still want to be there for their kids. And, they have no idea where to begin.

The first step is to get out of your own head and pull in an empowering partner. The best thing to do is to get someone to go for a walk with you and start talking about what it is that you find fulfilling. Whether you work with an Empowerment Fitness® coach like us or whether you talk with a friend, it's important to think about the following questions: “What are your passions?, What are your strengths?, What are the things you do that make you feel most alive?”. It is so easy to forget about these things when we are always focused on taking care of other people’s needs. We have worked with so many women who are trying to re-discover their passion, skills and strengths as think about the next chapter in their lives.

Learn more about Empowerment Fitness® career coaching at
http://www.dksconsultingroup.com/

Thursday, April 2, 2009

I Never Spoke to My Mother That Way!

Does any of this sound familiar?

"I'M not folding the laundry, I did it last week. It’s all YOUR stuff anyway."

"YOU need to get me new jeans"

"That is SO stupid - You have no idea what real fashion is. I can't believe you won't let me wear that."

“That is total bull! All my friends IM, text, facebook and do homework at the same time.”

"Get out of my room!!!"

Backtalk and disrespectful language was a hot topic at our recent parent workshop. Everyone had their share of examples, including us. And while memory does fail us at times, and we all remember being better kids than we probably were, truly, we would never have spoken to our mothers that way. So, why do our kids think it’s “okay" to talk to us so disrespectfully?

Part of the problem seems to come from our culture. When our parents were growing up, there was a clear idea of who was in charge - the government, the schools, the police, and most importantly, their parents. During the 60s and 70s it became an act of integrity to challenge authority. If the laws and cultural norms seemed wrong to us, we spoke out against them. In fact, talking back to authority became a good thing and we've encouraged our children to speak out when they believe something is wrong. We've taught our kids to advocate for themselves on the playground, in the classroom, and with their friends. But sometimes they go too far, and usually it's with us.

Disrespectful language can start young, but typically takes off in early adolescence. Why is that? Research on the adolescent brain tells us that kids’ brains are beginning to grow and change at a rapid pace just before puberty begins. Add a mix of hormones, growth spurts, and newfound stressors in school and in peer groups, and the kids are in a state Dr. Sharon O'Connor calls "raging nightmareness". They're full of aggressive energy, but don't have much self-control, and before you know it, they're spewing venom, ironically in situations where they know they are genuinely loved.

So, does this mean our kids get a pass when they talk back to us or act in disrespectful ways? Absolutely not. It is our job as parents to teach our kids the difference between stating an opinion, standing up for what you believe in, and speaking in a disrespectful way toward parents and other adults - and to hold them accountable when they cross the line. Teens really can learn that there are respectful ways to state an opinion or ask a question. They can also learn that they won’t always get their way, and that lashing out with back talk is unacceptable.

Let’s breathe in peace, breathe out stress and look at some positive strategies to help your teen become more respectful.

1) It's important to have a clear vision of what respectful talk in your family looks and sounds like. You want to be able to communicate to your child not only what they shouldn't do but more importantly, what they should do. There's no reason why they cannot disagree with you, if they do it in a respectful manner. Be very specific about exactly how you expect them to talk to you. And make sure to let them know there are consequences if they cross the line.

2) Choose a time to talk with your child about back talk and expectations for respectful behavior when you are both calm. The heat of an argument is not usually a successful time for discussing anything. If you are able to get your child to go on a walk with you or play a game of ping pong , so much the better. Movement always improves communication (see Jan. 20th blog Teen Not Talking? for tips on communicating with your child).

3) Practice, practice, practice. Encourage your child to practice respectful language. In general, behaviors that we practice the most are the ones we are more likely to do. This is especially important for when we are stressed and overwhelmed. Most of us are unable to think clearly when we are overwhelmed - we just react. When we’re not able to think rationally about what we’re going to do, we automatically fall back on behavior we've practiced the most. So, the more you insist that your child speak to you in respectful language, and compliment them when they do, the more likely they will use that language when they are under stress.

Backtalk is a big issue for so many parents that we talk to, and it can be really tough. If you have some strategies that have worked for you in your family, please let us know. We look forward to hearing from you, with your ideas and with your questions!

Friday, March 13, 2009

What's Wrong with OUR House?

A group of 8th grade boys have been hanging out together on Friday afternoons for several months. They play basketball or football on the street when the weather is nice, Wii or Playstation indoors when it rains, and wrestling and mauling each other for fun – rain or shine. The seven of them manage to eat all the snacks that are available, drink Gaterade by the gallon, and use approximately 400 plastic cups because they never use the same one twice! This is a group of friends who have a good time together.

You would think these boys could be happy anywhere, but when Friday rolls around, they always seem to land at the same house.

One mom tried to get her son to invite the group to their house.

"Jake, you have been at Matt’s house four Fridays in a row. Let’s have the group at our house."

"Nah"

"Jake, I don’t want Mrs. K. to have the kids at her house every week – feeding them snacks and drinks and going through all those cups."

"I don't think so."

"Why not?"

"Idunno (one word). Our house isn’t fun. There’s nothing to do here."

"Really, what do you do at Matt’s house?"

"Idunno. We play basketball or football."

"Well, we have a hoop, a football and a back yard at our house too."

"Yeh, they have better snacks.

"I’ll go shopping before the kids come. What should I get?"

"Forget it. It’s just not fun here."

Is there something wrong with Jake's house that his mother doesn't know about? Probably not. In fact, Jake's mother told us that the kids have been there before, and had a good time. So, what is going on that Jake doesn't want to have his friends at his house? Many kids worry that their house doesn't measure up and that everybody else has better "stuff". Others worry about the opposite, that they have "too much stuff", and they’ll feel embarrassed. They may also worry that there are too many rules at their house (or not enough rules) and the other kids won't have a good time. But, what all this worry really points to is Jake's negative belief that he doesn't know how to make a good time happen at his house.

Kids carry around all kinds of negative thinking that hold them back from doing things they may enjoy. This is important because we move towards what we think about! (see February 13 blog) When Jake thinks "I'm not a good host", it gets in the way of his relaxing and having fun when his friends come over, and he's left with the conclusion "it's just not fun here".

Noticing and challenging negative thinking is a way parents can really empower their kids. Once Jake’s mom understands what he’s really thinking and worried about, she can help him move beyond where he's stuck. She has an opportunity to challenge Jake's negative thinking about hosting his friends by helping him articulate his real worries, validating his concerns, then helping him figure out how to problem solve. And, she can also use a little humor to help him see where his thinking might have gone awry.

"I'm confused, when you had the boys here a few months ago and we had pizza and you played basketball, no one seemed to want to go home. It looked like they were having a lot of fun. Is there something more you're worried about?"

(shoulder shrug)"It's just a lot of work having kids over."

"What kind of work?"

"Oh, you gotta think of things to do, make sure no one wanders off, make sure no one throws food upstairs. It's not fun."

"Okay, that is a lot of stuff, and if you are focused on those hard things, you're right, it can be hard to have fun. Let's take them one at a time and try to problem solve, so you don't have to think so much when your friends are here. Can you plan things to do before the kids come?"

"Well, it's getting kind of warm, so maybe everyone could bring a squirt gun. And do you think we could have pizza and brownies?"

"Yes, that all sounds good. Now, let's see pizza, brownies, and squirt guns - do you really think we are going to have boys wandering off?"

Friday, March 6, 2009

Sexting? I don't even know what it is - how can I keep my kid from doing it?

If anybody had told us five years ago, when the oldest of our children was in middle school, that we would be talking about something called "sexting", we would have said that was crazy. Back then, in the dark ages before picture phones, family calling plans, and unlimited texting, our biggest dilemma with cell phones was whether our younger teens should have them.

But fast forward, and we mean fast, just a few years, and there we were, four women at a coffee shop talking about the 14-year-old boy charged with trafficking child pornography because he sent nude pictures of his girlfriend to his friends. And just as we were about to say "okay, but our kids don't do that", one of us admitted she caught her 8th grade son looking at a nude picture of a classmate on his phone.

"I can't believe it. Just last week he was telling me he would rather go fishing than hang out with a group of girls. And I thought, "Great! Girls can wait." Then yesterday I found a photo of a girl's breast on his phone."

What is going on here?

As parents, we were shocked on so many levels we didn’t know where to begin. Teens sexually exploiting themselves and thinking it is "ok", using their sexuality for self promotion rather than intimacy, and the lack of concern for privacy - these were just a few of the issues that upset us. And it appeared to stem from a world in which our kids are more comfortable than we are - the world of technology, which is changing more rapidly than we can keep up with.

So, why are kids acting like this? Much of the answer lies in their brain development. The parts of the adolescent brain that respond to immediate pleasures, and those that drive them to connect intensely with peers, these develop well before the parts of the brain that imagine future consequences. This leads to impulsive behavior that can be dangerous. Mix in new technology and media driven sexual desensitization, and you have teen "sexting".

This is frightening to parents. In our fast-paced, technology driven, media saturated world, we are faced with issues that are unique to this generation of teens. And although the reality is that "risky" behavior is developmentally normal for teens, the stakes feel higher and the risks feel riskier.

Still, there are things parents can do. When we coach parents, we talk about many issues related to teens and technology such as creating clear expectations and rules for how cell phones and computers should be used, stating what the consequences are if rules are broken, making sure kids understand the power of the internet and text messages, and having kids take responsibility for their actions when they negatively effect other people. Most important, we stress that this is an excellent opportunity to have a real conversation with your kids.

Psychologists point out that our actions are governed by the ideas we hold in our head. We tell kids you move toward what you think about. So talk to your teens about what you WANT them to do, not what you don't want them to do. Lecturing them about not "sexting" only makes it more interesting. Instead, focus the conversation on the values you hold and the behavior you want them to practice. What is a healthy, respectful relationship? What is intimacy and where does sex fit in? Why is personal privacy so important? Whatever positive values you hold about relationships - this is a great time to share them.

And here is something really, really important. Even if it looks like your teen is not listening to a word you are saying- including, but not limited to, staring at the wall, playing with a broken paper clip, rolling their eyes, muttering “whatever” - they hear everything you say. So keep talking about what you want your kids to know.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Mean Girls - They're Everywhere

Emily is in the 7th grade. She came home from school really upset one day because her best friend Sarah sat with the popular girls at lunch. Even worse, Sarah ignored Emily and pretended that she didn't know her. Emily's mom was glad she was sharing, and jumped right in to give her daughter lots of "good advice".

You mean to tell me Sarah ignored you?

Mom, I don’t want to talk about it.

What kind of best friend is that?

It’s not that big a deal- just forget about it.

If I were you, I'd start finding myself a new best friend.

Emily, now feeling terrible, storms out.

There's no doubt that middle school girls have a very clear sense of what it means to be a true friend. When we ask them to describe the qualities of a "good friend", they tell us she is loyal, kind, a good listener, and fun to be with. Yet, so many of them get hurt when their best friend behaves in ways that are just the opposite. And despite Mom's best efforts, Emily does not want to dump her mean girl friend. The girls are very attached, and there are moments when Sarah is kind and supportive, just like she has been since kindergarten.

So, how do we teach girls to take care of themselves in these situations?

By teaching them the difference between empowering partners - the people in our lives who cheer us on and help us feel good about ourselves - and energy drainers - the people who say negative things and act in ways that make us feel insecure and badly about ourselves.

Most young teens (and some adults) tend to think in terms of black and white, but friendship is an issue that can be kind of grey. The teen years are tough because kids are constantly growing and changing, trying to figure out who they are, and how to fit in socially and feel okay about themselves. Friends can be empowering partners in some situations and energy drainers in others. The trick for any kid is to be able to identify the differences, and spend more time with their friends when they are empowering than when they are not. Emily's mom can help her navigate this, first by validating how hurt she is, and then encouraging her to branch out to new friends at lunch time, and save her time with Sarah for those situations when their old friendship still works.

Friday, February 13, 2009

It's All in Your Head

Jeremy loves baseball. It’s his favorite sport, and he's been playing since Rookie League when he was six. Over the years, Jeremy became a really skilled player. He’s fast, has a strong arm, is a consistent hitter, and was a starter on his Babe Ruth team in the spring. So, it came as a shock to his father when Jeremy got to high school and decided he is not trying out for the Freshman Baseball team.

“I'm not doing it."

"Why not?"

"I don't know. I don't really like baseball all that much."

"You don't like baseball? It's always been your favorite thing."

"Well I don't like it anymore"

"Is that all there is, or is something else bothering you?"

"I don't know. I'm not going to make the team anyway, so it's a waste of time."

"What makes you think that? "I just know it, and anyway, I can't hit."

"What? Last season you had the highest batting average on you team!"

"Yeh, but that team wasn't very good. It’s different in High School. I'll never be able to hit the ball."

Jeremy's worry about the baseball tryout is not unusual. Even though he has been a great hitter for most of his life, he IMAGINES that he won't do well, and won’t make the team. The ideas or thoughts that kids hold in their heads are more powerful than you might think. In fact, if Jeremy goes to the tryout thinking "I'm not a good hitter", chances are he will not hit the ball.

When we work with kids, we help them create a positive vision of what they want to achieve. This is more than just changing the words from "I'm a bad hitter" to "I'm a good hitter”. It’s about helping Jeremy create a powerful mental image in his mind of what he wants to do- an actual picture of himself standing at the plate, watching the ball release from the pitcher, feeling the bat connect with the ball – as he smacks a line drive between second and third base.

It is just as important to practice the positive images you hold in your head as it is to practice your hitting in the batting cage, because the thoughts we hold in our head really matter.

We move towards the things we think about!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Who Says You Can't?

How many times have you heard your teen say "I can't!" to things like branching out to new friends, or asking a teacher for help outside of class, or trying out for a play or a sports team? Parents know their kids want to do these things, but something inside is holding them back. Getting your teen to feel confident and willing to take on a challenge is what we mean by empowerment. This is what our Empowerment Fitness® program is all about.

What is empowerment? It’s when your teen does something that he or she really wants to do, feels afraid - but does it anyway. Its when

. . .your shy daughter is so saddened by the devastation in New Orleans that she organizes her friends to hold a bake sale for the families who lost their homes.

. . .your son believes he is not a good singer but still tries out for the school musical.

. . .your daughter branches out of her elementary school friendship group and calls someone new to hang out with.

. . . your high school age son shares with his friends that he is gay.

Empowered behavior doesn’t need to be grand. It is courageous action that all of us are capable of. It starts with a clear picture of what you truly want and ends with an action that moves you closer to the goal. When teens behave in an empowered way, not only do they feel great about themselves, but they grow in amazing ways. Whether they achieve the goal or not. The next time your teen says I can't do something, a great thing to say back to them is "Okay, you can't do that yet..."

Empowerment is having a positive vision for the future and the courage to make it happen.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Stay in Charge - Give Up Control

Don’t tell me what to do!
Why did you let me forget my homework?

I’m 15, I can do what I want.
Aren’t you going to come in with me to the doctor?

Teens have a way of both pushing their parents away and letting you know how much they need you – often at the same time. This is the number one source of confusion in parenting teens – this kind of push and pull. It drives parents crazy and they don’t know what to do.

The most important thing for parents of teens to keep in mind when they find themselves in this quagmire is that no matter what your kids say, they really do need you to be in charge. They need you to define expectations for acceptable behavior, set standards for good character, and absolutely set limits around safety.

Which doesn't mean they need you to micromanage all aspects of their life. Let them do things their own way as much as possible, and figure out what works and what doesn't. This is what we mean by "giving up control".

As tempting as it might be, try not to take over and do things for them. Instead, help them to do things for themselves. Offer strategies for organizing school work and activities, recommend they talk to teachers and coaches, let them apply for internships and jobs. Practice the following phrase, to be pulled out when your teen comes to you with a problem, "What do you think you should do about that?" It's especially good for social dilemmas.

Will our kids always succeed? Absolutely not. In fact, sometimes kids will fall on their face. This can be a good thing because kids learn a lot from their mistakes (especially when they're made within the safe boundaries you've set up!). And if parents are there to offer support and encouragement, they'll pick themselves up and keep moving forward - the true definition of an empowered teen.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Too Sexy Too Soon

"High Heels for Babies?" Hard to believe but this story actually appeared in September on the Today Show. Some may find this idea cute, but for us, it speaks to a disturbing trend of sexualizing younger and younger girls. Many parents in our workshops worry about the impact of this trend on their daughters. And they should. The American Psychological Association has linked the hyper-sexualization of young girls to eating disorders, low self-esteem, and depression - three very serious mental health concerns.

As psychologists and parent coaches, we believe that there are specific ways that parents can empower their daughters to become strong, resilient, and grounded, as they grow up in a culture that puts so much emphasis on appearance and sexuality. To inoculate girls from this very real pressure requires giving parents tools to help their daughters develop their "true self". Particularly in middle school, parents need to help their girls to define themselves in ways that are separate from what the culture-at-large says they should be. Some parents think that the solution is to figure out the answer to the question, "Should I let my daughter wear Ugg boots and a mini skirt at her age?". While a discussion of appropriate clothing is important, the real key is to help girls define and appreciate their unique strengths and inner beauty.

When we talk to girls, the first thing we do is ask them to name one thing about themselves that they wouldn't change no matter what. We love this question because we always get interesting answers. Some begin with their accomplishments: I'm a dancer, skier, singer, I'm good at math. But, they also tell us they are proud to be thoughtful, a good friend, smart, funny, and so on. The message here is that there is something truly special and unique about each one of you - your "true self". We teach the girls strategies to remember their "true self" when they are faced with situations that challenge their confidence and self worth.

You can help your daughters focus on their inner strengths in similar ways at home. Begin by asking your daughter to make a written list of all her strengths and skills. Nothing is too small or simple to make the list. Then, ask her to circle one of those things that she wouldn’t change about herself no matter what. Tape the list of strengths on her mirror or wall so that she sees it every day. Simple strategies such as these can yield powerful results. One teen we know carries her "Strengths list" in her coat pocket.. She told us it gave her a small surge of confidence every time she reached into her pocket.

Try this with your teen and let us know thoughts. We'd love to hear from you!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Teen not Talking? Get Moving!

Teens love to talk, just not to their parents. You can open the lines of communication with your teen by engaging them in physical movement. Shoot some hoops, play a game of ping pong, toss a frisbee, go for a walk, and don't be surprised to see your teen open up and share what’s on their mind.

This is a true story.

Fourteen year old Megan came home from school and her mom could tell that something was "off". Megan went to her room without saying "Hi" and slammed the door.

"Hi Honey, How was your day?" (said Mom, through door)

"Fine!"

"Is everything OK?" (attempt #2)

"I'm FINE!"

"Really? You don't seem like you're fine. Can I come in?" (attempt #3)

"NO! I'M FINE! LEAVE ME ALONE!" (code for "If you think I am going to talk to you, you are crazy!")

At this point, the wise parent backed off and left Megan alone in her room. After about an hour, Mom tried again.

"Megan, your brother is out for another hour, how about we play ping pong?"

Megan reluctantly agrees.

After 10 minutes of hitting the ball back and forth, Megan quietly mentions:

"They changed the lunch tables today (pause) and I wasn't with any of my friends".

" I am so sorry to hear that . . . "

And just like that they were having a real conversation about what was bothering Megan.

How did things changes so quickly? In one word - MOVEMENT! Physical movement has a powerful effect on the brain. It leads to a more relaxed emotional state and clearer thinking. When Megan first got home from school, she was overwhelmed by the emotional upset of the day and the noisy thoughts in her brain. She was unable to talk to her mom in that state, without feeling like more was coming in than she could handle. As Megan hit the ball back and forth with her mother, the "noise" in her brain quieted down, her real thoughts got clearer, and the things that were truly on her mind began to come out. She was ready to be in a real conversation with her mom, where they could talk and problem solve together.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Welcome

Welcome to our Empowerment Fitness® Blog dedicated to helping parents just like you navigate the challenges of raising positive, resilient teens.

In this Blog, we will share with you our expert advice as psychologists and developers of Empowerment Fitness® , an original, Boston-based mind-body program for teens. We will also share with you fascinating, true stories of challenges that teens face and strategies they used to bounce back from adversity, move forward, and feel good about themselves. The Empowerment Fitness program teaches real-life strategies from positive psychology for helping middle and high school students manage stress, friendships, popularity, competitive activities, negative body image, and test anxiety.

So, join the conversation, tell us what you’re thinking, and please, let us know what you’re worried about - we can offer some insight that will help.