What's Wrong with OUR House?

A group of 8th grade boys have been hanging out together on Friday afternoons for several months. They play basketball or football on the street when the weather is nice, Wii or Playstation indoors when it rains, and wrestling and mauling each other for fun – rain or shine. The seven of them manage to eat all the snacks that are available, drink Gaterade by the gallon, and use approximately 400 plastic cups because they never use the same one twice! This is a group of friends who have a good time together.

You would think these boys could be happy anywhere, but when Friday rolls around, they always seem to land at the same house.

One mom tried to get her son to invite the group to their house.

"Jake, you have been at Matt’s house four Fridays in a row. Let’s have the group at our house."

"Nah"

"Jake, I don’t want Mrs. K. to have the kids at her house every week – feeding them snacks and drinks and going through all those cups."

"I don't think so."

"Why not?"

"Idunno (one word). Our house isn’t fun. There’s nothing to do here."

"Really, what do you do at Matt’s house?"

"Idunno. We play basketball or football."

"Well, we have a hoop, a football and a back yard at our house too."

"Yeh, they have better snacks.

"I’ll go shopping before the kids come. What should I get?"

"Forget it. It’s just not fun here."

Is there something wrong with Jake's house that his mother doesn't know about? Probably not. In fact, Jake's mother told us that the kids have been there before, and had a good time. So, what is going on that Jake doesn't want to have his friends at his house? Many kids worry that their house doesn't measure up and that everybody else has better "stuff". Others worry about the opposite, that they have "too much stuff", and they’ll feel embarrassed. They may also worry that there are too many rules at their house (or not enough rules) and the other kids won't have a good time. But, what all this worry really points to is Jake's negative belief that he doesn't know how to make a good time happen at his house.

Kids carry around all kinds of negative thinking that hold them back from doing things they may enjoy. This is important because we move towards what we think about! (see February 13 blog) When Jake thinks "I'm not a good host", it gets in the way of his relaxing and having fun when his friends come over, and he's left with the conclusion "it's just not fun here".

Noticing and challenging negative thinking is a way parents can really empower their kids. Once Jake’s mom understands what he’s really thinking and worried about, she can help him move beyond where he's stuck. She has an opportunity to challenge Jake's negative thinking about hosting his friends by helping him articulate his real worries, validating his concerns, then helping him figure out how to problem solve. And, she can also use a little humor to help him see where his thinking might have gone awry.

"I'm confused, when you had the boys here a few months ago and we had pizza and you played basketball, no one seemed to want to go home. It looked like they were having a lot of fun. Is there something more you're worried about?"

(shoulder shrug)"It's just a lot of work having kids over."

"What kind of work?"

"Oh, you gotta think of things to do, make sure no one wanders off, make sure no one throws food upstairs. It's not fun."

"Okay, that is a lot of stuff, and if you are focused on those hard things, you're right, it can be hard to have fun. Let's take them one at a time and try to problem solve, so you don't have to think so much when your friends are here. Can you plan things to do before the kids come?"

"Well, it's getting kind of warm, so maybe everyone could bring a squirt gun. And do you think we could have pizza and brownies?"

"Yes, that all sounds good. Now, let's see pizza, brownies, and squirt guns - do you really think we are going to have boys wandering off?"