Mean Girls - They're Everywhere

Emily is in the 7th grade. She came home from school really upset one day because her best friend Sarah sat with the popular girls at lunch. Even worse, Sarah ignored Emily and pretended that she didn't know her. Emily's mom was glad she was sharing, and jumped right in to give her daughter lots of "good advice".

You mean to tell me Sarah ignored you?

Mom, I don’t want to talk about it.

What kind of best friend is that?

It’s not that big a deal- just forget about it.

If I were you, I'd start finding myself a new best friend.

Emily, now feeling terrible, storms out.

There's no doubt that middle school girls have a very clear sense of what it means to be a true friend. When we ask them to describe the qualities of a "good friend", they tell us she is loyal, kind, a good listener, and fun to be with. Yet, so many of them get hurt when their best friend behaves in ways that are just the opposite. And despite Mom's best efforts, Emily does not want to dump her mean girl friend. The girls are very attached, and there are moments when Sarah is kind and supportive, just like she has been since kindergarten.

So, how do we teach girls to take care of themselves in these situations?

By teaching them the difference between empowering partners - the people in our lives who cheer us on and help us feel good about ourselves - and energy drainers - the people who say negative things and act in ways that make us feel insecure and badly about ourselves.

Most young teens (and some adults) tend to think in terms of black and white, but friendship is an issue that can be kind of grey. The teen years are tough because kids are constantly growing and changing, trying to figure out who they are, and how to fit in socially and feel okay about themselves. Friends can be empowering partners in some situations and energy drainers in others. The trick for any kid is to be able to identify the differences, and spend more time with their friends when they are empowering than when they are not. Emily's mom can help her navigate this, first by validating how hurt she is, and then encouraging her to branch out to new friends at lunch time, and save her time with Sarah for those situations when their old friendship still works.