Sexting? I don't even know what it is - how can I keep my kid from doing it?

If anybody had told us five years ago, when the oldest of our children was in middle school, that we would be talking about something called "sexting", we would have said that was crazy. Back then, in the dark ages before picture phones, family calling plans, and unlimited texting, our biggest dilemma with cell phones was whether our younger teens should have them.

But fast forward, and we mean fast, just a few years, and there we were, four women at a coffee shop talking about the 14-year-old boy charged with trafficking child pornography because he sent nude pictures of his girlfriend to his friends. And just as we were about to say "okay, but our kids don't do that", one of us admitted she caught her 8th grade son looking at a nude picture of a classmate on his phone.

"I can't believe it. Just last week he was telling me he would rather go fishing than hang out with a group of girls. And I thought, "Great! Girls can wait." Then yesterday I found a photo of a girl's breast on his phone."

What is going on here?

As parents, we were shocked on so many levels we didn’t know where to begin. Teens sexually exploiting themselves and thinking it is "ok", using their sexuality for self promotion rather than intimacy, and the lack of concern for privacy - these were just a few of the issues that upset us. And it appeared to stem from a world in which our kids are more comfortable than we are - the world of technology, which is changing more rapidly than we can keep up with.

So, why are kids acting like this? Much of the answer lies in their brain development. The parts of the adolescent brain that respond to immediate pleasures, and those that drive them to connect intensely with peers, these develop well before the parts of the brain that imagine future consequences. This leads to impulsive behavior that can be dangerous. Mix in new technology and media driven sexual desensitization, and you have teen "sexting".

This is frightening to parents. In our fast-paced, technology driven, media saturated world, we are faced with issues that are unique to this generation of teens. And although the reality is that "risky" behavior is developmentally normal for teens, the stakes feel higher and the risks feel riskier.

Still, there are things parents can do. When we coach parents, we talk about many issues related to teens and technology such as creating clear expectations and rules for how cell phones and computers should be used, stating what the consequences are if rules are broken, making sure kids understand the power of the internet and text messages, and having kids take responsibility for their actions when they negatively effect other people. Most important, we stress that this is an excellent opportunity to have a real conversation with your kids.

Psychologists point out that our actions are governed by the ideas we hold in our head. We tell kids you move toward what you think about. So talk to your teens about what you WANT them to do, not what you don't want them to do. Lecturing them about not "sexting" only makes it more interesting. Instead, focus the conversation on the values you hold and the behavior you want them to practice. What is a healthy, respectful relationship? What is intimacy and where does sex fit in? Why is personal privacy so important? Whatever positive values you hold about relationships - this is a great time to share them.

And here is something really, really important. Even if it looks like your teen is not listening to a word you are saying- including, but not limited to, staring at the wall, playing with a broken paper clip, rolling their eyes, muttering “whatever” - they hear everything you say. So keep talking about what you want your kids to know.