Emily is in the 7th grade. She came home from school really upset one day because her best friend Sarah sat with the popular girls at lunch. Even worse, Sarah ignored Emily and pretended that she didn't know her. Emily's mom was glad she was sharing, and jumped right in to give her daughter lots of "good advice".
You mean to tell me Sarah ignored you?
Mom, I don’t want to talk about it.
What kind of best friend is that?
It’s not that big a deal- just forget about it.
If I were you, I'd start finding myself a new best friend.
Emily, now feeling terrible, storms out.
There's no doubt that middle school girls have a very clear sense of what it means to be a true friend. When we ask them to describe the qualities of a "good friend", they tell us she is loyal, kind, a good listener, and fun to be with. Yet, so many of them get hurt when their best friend behaves in ways that are just the opposite. And despite Mom's best efforts, Emily does not want to dump her mean girl friend. The girls are very attached, and there are moments when Sarah is kind and supportive, just like she has been since kindergarten.
So, how do we teach girls to take care of themselves in these situations?
By teaching them the difference between empowering partners - the people in our lives who cheer us on and help us feel good about ourselves - and energy drainers - the people who say negative things and act in ways that make us feel insecure and badly about ourselves.
Most young teens (and some adults) tend to think in terms of black and white, but friendship is an issue that can be kind of grey. The teen years are tough because kids are constantly growing and changing, trying to figure out who they are, and how to fit in socially and feel okay about themselves. Friends can be empowering partners in some situations and energy drainers in others. The trick for any kid is to be able to identify the differences, and spend more time with their friends when they are empowering than when they are not. Emily's mom can help her navigate this, first by validating how hurt she is, and then encouraging her to branch out to new friends at lunch time, and save her time with Sarah for those situations when their old friendship still works.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
It's All in Your Head
Jeremy loves baseball. It’s his favorite sport, and he's been playing since Rookie League when he was six. Over the years, Jeremy became a really skilled player. He’s fast, has a strong arm, is a consistent hitter, and was a starter on his Babe Ruth team in the spring. So, it came as a shock to his father when Jeremy got to high school and decided he is not trying out for the Freshman Baseball team.
“I'm not doing it."
"Why not?"
"I don't know. I don't really like baseball all that much."
"You don't like baseball? It's always been your favorite thing."
"Well I don't like it anymore"
"Is that all there is, or is something else bothering you?"
"I don't know. I'm not going to make the team anyway, so it's a waste of time."
"What makes you think that? "I just know it, and anyway, I can't hit."
"What? Last season you had the highest batting average on you team!"
"Yeh, but that team wasn't very good. It’s different in High School. I'll never be able to hit the ball."
Jeremy's worry about the baseball tryout is not unusual. Even though he has been a great hitter for most of his life, he IMAGINES that he won't do well, and won’t make the team. The ideas or thoughts that kids hold in their heads are more powerful than you might think. In fact, if Jeremy goes to the tryout thinking "I'm not a good hitter", chances are he will not hit the ball.
When we work with kids, we help them create a positive vision of what they want to achieve. This is more than just changing the words from "I'm a bad hitter" to "I'm a good hitter”. It’s about helping Jeremy create a powerful mental image in his mind of what he wants to do- an actual picture of himself standing at the plate, watching the ball release from the pitcher, feeling the bat connect with the ball – as he smacks a line drive between second and third base.
It is just as important to practice the positive images you hold in your head as it is to practice your hitting in the batting cage, because the thoughts we hold in our head really matter.
We move towards the things we think about!
“I'm not doing it."
"Why not?"
"I don't know. I don't really like baseball all that much."
"You don't like baseball? It's always been your favorite thing."
"Well I don't like it anymore"
"Is that all there is, or is something else bothering you?"
"I don't know. I'm not going to make the team anyway, so it's a waste of time."
"What makes you think that? "I just know it, and anyway, I can't hit."
"What? Last season you had the highest batting average on you team!"
"Yeh, but that team wasn't very good. It’s different in High School. I'll never be able to hit the ball."
Jeremy's worry about the baseball tryout is not unusual. Even though he has been a great hitter for most of his life, he IMAGINES that he won't do well, and won’t make the team. The ideas or thoughts that kids hold in their heads are more powerful than you might think. In fact, if Jeremy goes to the tryout thinking "I'm not a good hitter", chances are he will not hit the ball.
When we work with kids, we help them create a positive vision of what they want to achieve. This is more than just changing the words from "I'm a bad hitter" to "I'm a good hitter”. It’s about helping Jeremy create a powerful mental image in his mind of what he wants to do- an actual picture of himself standing at the plate, watching the ball release from the pitcher, feeling the bat connect with the ball – as he smacks a line drive between second and third base.
It is just as important to practice the positive images you hold in your head as it is to practice your hitting in the batting cage, because the thoughts we hold in our head really matter.
We move towards the things we think about!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Who Says You Can't?
How many times have you heard your teen say "I can't!" to things like branching out to new friends, or asking a teacher for help outside of class, or trying out for a play or a sports team? Parents know their kids want to do these things, but something inside is holding them back. Getting your teen to feel confident and willing to take on a challenge is what we mean by empowerment. This is what our Empowerment Fitness® program is all about.
What is empowerment? It’s when your teen does something that he or she really wants to do, feels afraid - but does it anyway. Its when
. . .your shy daughter is so saddened by the devastation in New Orleans that she organizes her friends to hold a bake sale for the families who lost their homes.
. . .your son believes he is not a good singer but still tries out for the school musical.
. . .your daughter branches out of her elementary school friendship group and calls someone new to hang out with.
. . . your high school age son shares with his friends that he is gay.
Empowered behavior doesn’t need to be grand. It is courageous action that all of us are capable of. It starts with a clear picture of what you truly want and ends with an action that moves you closer to the goal. When teens behave in an empowered way, not only do they feel great about themselves, but they grow in amazing ways. Whether they achieve the goal or not. The next time your teen says I can't do something, a great thing to say back to them is "Okay, you can't do that yet..."
Empowerment is having a positive vision for the future and the courage to make it happen.
What is empowerment? It’s when your teen does something that he or she really wants to do, feels afraid - but does it anyway. Its when
. . .your shy daughter is so saddened by the devastation in New Orleans that she organizes her friends to hold a bake sale for the families who lost their homes.
. . .your son believes he is not a good singer but still tries out for the school musical.
. . .your daughter branches out of her elementary school friendship group and calls someone new to hang out with.
. . . your high school age son shares with his friends that he is gay.
Empowered behavior doesn’t need to be grand. It is courageous action that all of us are capable of. It starts with a clear picture of what you truly want and ends with an action that moves you closer to the goal. When teens behave in an empowered way, not only do they feel great about themselves, but they grow in amazing ways. Whether they achieve the goal or not. The next time your teen says I can't do something, a great thing to say back to them is "Okay, you can't do that yet..."
Empowerment is having a positive vision for the future and the courage to make it happen.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Stay in Charge - Give Up Control
Don’t tell me what to do!
Why did you let me forget my homework?
I’m 15, I can do what I want.
Aren’t you going to come in with me to the doctor?
Teens have a way of both pushing their parents away and letting you know how much they need you – often at the same time. This is the number one source of confusion in parenting teens – this kind of push and pull. It drives parents crazy and they don’t know what to do.
The most important thing for parents of teens to keep in mind when they find themselves in this quagmire is that no matter what your kids say, they really do need you to be in charge. They need you to define expectations for acceptable behavior, set standards for good character, and absolutely set limits around safety.
Which doesn't mean they need you to micromanage all aspects of their life. Let them do things their own way as much as possible, and figure out what works and what doesn't. This is what we mean by "giving up control".
As tempting as it might be, try not to take over and do things for them. Instead, help them to do things for themselves. Offer strategies for organizing school work and activities, recommend they talk to teachers and coaches, let them apply for internships and jobs. Practice the following phrase, to be pulled out when your teen comes to you with a problem, "What do you think you should do about that?" It's especially good for social dilemmas.
Will our kids always succeed? Absolutely not. In fact, sometimes kids will fall on their face. This can be a good thing because kids learn a lot from their mistakes (especially when they're made within the safe boundaries you've set up!). And if parents are there to offer support and encouragement, they'll pick themselves up and keep moving forward - the true definition of an empowered teen.
Why did you let me forget my homework?
I’m 15, I can do what I want.
Aren’t you going to come in with me to the doctor?
Teens have a way of both pushing their parents away and letting you know how much they need you – often at the same time. This is the number one source of confusion in parenting teens – this kind of push and pull. It drives parents crazy and they don’t know what to do.
The most important thing for parents of teens to keep in mind when they find themselves in this quagmire is that no matter what your kids say, they really do need you to be in charge. They need you to define expectations for acceptable behavior, set standards for good character, and absolutely set limits around safety.
Which doesn't mean they need you to micromanage all aspects of their life. Let them do things their own way as much as possible, and figure out what works and what doesn't. This is what we mean by "giving up control".
As tempting as it might be, try not to take over and do things for them. Instead, help them to do things for themselves. Offer strategies for organizing school work and activities, recommend they talk to teachers and coaches, let them apply for internships and jobs. Practice the following phrase, to be pulled out when your teen comes to you with a problem, "What do you think you should do about that?" It's especially good for social dilemmas.
Will our kids always succeed? Absolutely not. In fact, sometimes kids will fall on their face. This can be a good thing because kids learn a lot from their mistakes (especially when they're made within the safe boundaries you've set up!). And if parents are there to offer support and encouragement, they'll pick themselves up and keep moving forward - the true definition of an empowered teen.
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