At Night, Unsupervised, and Everyone's Going

So many times when we are parenting teens, we are faced with a situation that gives us a “pit in our stomach”, and we really don't know what to do. Our kids are growing so fast, eager for more socializing with peers and independence from us, and we often have to decide very quickly whether they are ready to take that next step.

Jake and Matt tumble in the back door after school, dump their backpacks, and head directly to the fridge.
Jake says to Matt,

"The Game against Natick Friday night is going to be awesome."
"I know. Everyone’s meeting at the High School at 7."
"Can you pick me up? I think I need a ride."

Margaret, on a work call in the next room, overhears the boys' conversation, and says “I’m sorry, but I need to call you back”.

"Jake, what’s this about going to a football game Friday night?
"Yeah, it’s a big game. Natick is playing Needham and Fox News is going to be there."
"What parent is going with you?"
"Everyone’s going."
"Okay, but what parent is going to be there with you?"
"I'm in 7th grade- we don't need parents to go with us!!!"
"You know what honey, we have to talk about this."

When our kids were little, we joined play groups and helped each other figure out the big ones - sleeping through the night, refusing to use the potty, biting their siblings, and only eating chicken nuggets. These were daunting issues at the time, and we sought out other parents as empowering partners to provide us with support, advice, solutions and humor. As our kids get older, we begin to lose those supportive connections. Our kids get more independent. We get busier. And there are fewer and fewer daily interactions with parents of other kids. Still, given the challenging issues we face with our teens, we need a network of supportive parent connections now more than ever.

Margaret feels uncomfortable allowing Jake to go unsupervised to a Friday night football game at the high school. She isn't sure if this is appropriate for a seventh grader, yet she doesn't want to be overly protective. Margaret needs to talk about this parenting dilemma with an empowering partner - a mom or dad with similar values and parenting style, who perhaps has older kids and has been through this before - to help her come up with a solution that feels right to her for her 7th grader. Although she likes Jake's friend Matt, she's not sure that Matt's mom and she are on the same page. Instead she calls her friend Laura, who laughs when she hears that Jake thinks he's going to a Friday night football game, at the high school, completely unsupervised. "Don't even think about that. My niece is going to be dancing at half time, so I've got a reason for being there. We'll let the kids go, but tell them I'm keeping an eye on them." Margaret instantly relaxes. With her concerns validated, and a solution that gives Jake more independence, albeit with limits and supervision, her friend has enabled her to be a more empowered parent.

There are a number of things you can do to find empowering partners. Foster connections with the parents of your children's friends on the sidelines at games, in the parking lot at dance or play pick up, at a school event, or simply call a friend to have coffee. Seek out advice from neighbors who have older children. They often have a wealth of practical, hard-won information that they would be pleased to share. Surf the web for parenting sites where moms and dads provide support and advice to one another. And, finally you can reach out to professionals, like us, who work with parents just like you, trying to navigate the challenges of parenting teens!! And, with 8 teens among us, we know all about the “pit in your stomach”.

We would love to hear about an empowering partner in your life, and how he or she helped you resolve a parenting dilemma.