Stay in Charge - Give Up Control

Don’t tell me what to do!
Why did you let me forget my homework?

I’m 15, I can do what I want.
Aren’t you going to come in with me to the doctor?

Teens have a way of both pushing their parents away and letting you know how much they need you – often at the same time. This is the number one source of confusion in parenting teens – this kind of push and pull. It drives parents crazy and they don’t know what to do.

The most important thing for parents of teens to keep in mind when they find themselves in this quagmire is that no matter what your kids say, they really do need you to be in charge. They need you to define expectations for acceptable behavior, set standards for good character, and absolutely set limits around safety.

Which doesn't mean they need you to micromanage all aspects of their life. Let them do things their own way as much as possible, and figure out what works and what doesn't. This is what we mean by "giving up control".

As tempting as it might be, try not to take over and do things for them. Instead, help them to do things for themselves. Offer strategies for organizing school work and activities, recommend they talk to teachers and coaches, let them apply for internships and jobs. Practice the following phrase, to be pulled out when your teen comes to you with a problem, "What do you think you should do about that?" It's especially good for social dilemmas.

Will our kids always succeed? Absolutely not. In fact, sometimes kids will fall on their face. This can be a good thing because kids learn a lot from their mistakes (especially when they're made within the safe boundaries you've set up!). And if parents are there to offer support and encouragement, they'll pick themselves up and keep moving forward - the true definition of an empowered teen.