Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Drinking in Middle School? OMG!

How much influence do parents of teenagers have over the choices their kids make in risky situations? More than most parents think. In fact, data from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services reveals lower rates of current drug, tobacco, or alcohol use for those teens who have conversations about substance abuse with their parents than for those teens who do not talk about this with their parents. Given that reality, the next questions for parents are how to talk to our kids, and when to start. It turns out that it's never too early to talk to our kids about substance abuse, as long as our messages are clear, consistent, and emphasize the positive behavior we expect from our kids.

As soon as she saw the text message, Debbie breathed a sigh of relief, thankful she had talked to her 14 year old daughter about what to do if she found herself in an uncomfortable situation with friends.

Mom pls pick me up at corner of Main & South

Debbie knew something was up because it was a school half–day, and her daughter was hanging with the usual crowd at a friend's house. She didn’t expect to hear from Lisa for another two hours. Stranger still, the pick-up location was more than two streets away from where she should have been . She texted back: coming now
Then she got in the car, and picked her up.

"What’s going on?"
"Nothing."
"Why did you want to come home so early?"
"It just wasn't fun anymore."
"Really? Who was there?"
"I don’t know, everyone. Can we just go home?"


At home, Debbie didn't mention it again, and started folding laundry. Her daughter, who NEVER folds laundry, picked up a dish towel, folded it in half, then said,

"It was kind of weird. Some of the kids got beer from the fridge in the cellar and were drinking it."

Debbie could feel her heart quicken, but somehow managed to stay calm.

"Wow, I'm sure you didn't expect that. What did you think?

" I don't know. It seemed really stupid. I mean, I knew I wasn't going to have any, but the other kids seemed really into it. I could have hung out, but it would have been really boring. So I made up some excuse – a dentist appointment - and I left. I don't know if that was the right thing to do."

"What do you mean? Why not?"

"Well I left Laura and Jenni ( two best friends) there. I probably should have stuck with them, or asked them if they wanted to go too, but I don't know, I just reacted, and left. I feel kinda bad."


At this point, Debbie didn't miss a beat. She went right for the bottom line.

"Lisa, I'm really proud of you. Drinking beer in 8th grade is really dangerous. Kids who do this are really hurting themselves. You made a really good choice deciding to leave, and I'm glad that you knew you could text me and I would come and get you. This won't be the last time you find yourself in this situation. You did the very best you could. Now that you know this could come up, let's think about how you want to handle it next time, so you take good care of yourself, and still feel like you’re a good friend. You did a great job today.”

Learning that our middle schooler has been exposed to high risk behavior, such as teen drinking is extremely anxiety provoking for both parents and their young teens. Debbie did a great job: first- by making her position on underage drinking absolutely clear, second- preparing her daughter with a plan for when she encountered this kind of situation, and then praising her sufficiently when she executed the plan.

Some parents worry that raising topics like drinking, drugs and sex will somehow put these ideas into their child’s head. The reality is that teens are confronted with high risk situations at increasingly early ages, and talking to their parents helps kids to envision what to do when the situation arises. In our Empowerment Fitness® classes for teens and workshops for parents, we emphasize that we move toward what we think about. Of course it is important for parents to tell their kids the reasons why they believe it is bad for teenagers to use alcohol, drugs, and tobacco*,but this is not enough. Equally important is to talk to our kids about what we want them to do in these situations - how to take care of themselves in situations where their friends are using these substances and it is offered to them. We need to talk to our kids about making good decisions and good self-care.


* For more information go the US Health and Human Services website

Thursday, October 15, 2009

They Were All Invited To the Party Except Me!!

Kelly walked into the nurse’s office after lunch on Monday complaining of a stomach ache. The nurse called her mother to pick Kelly up. Once in the car, her mother asked,

"Kelly, when you left for school this morning you felt fine. Did you eat something bad at lunch?"

"No, just take me home."

"Was it bad hamburger meat?"

"Mom, just take me home."

"Milk? Sometimes milk can get sour."

"Mom! Leave me alone! My stomach hurts- just take me home! "


After they got home, the real story trickled out. At the lunch table, Kelly noticed a group of girls, including her three closest friends, huddled around a cell phone looking at photos. When she got closer, she saw they were looking at photos from a birthday party they went to over the weekend – they were all dressed up and hugging. Kelly had been excluded.

It’s no wonder she felt sick. And Kelly’s mother did too. She wanted to pick up the phone and call the other mothers to get them to "fix it". Either that or plan the biggest party of the year, and invite the Jonas Brothers!! Then Kelly’s mom took a deep breath, called her own best friend for a good rant, and took a step back. She realized that fixing the situation, in the long run, would not be empowering to Kelly. She needed to be the adult, and that meant helping her daughter understand what was happening, and help her move through it.

Being occasionally excluded from a party or an event is a rite of passage in middle school life that virtually all kids, even the so-called "popular ones", go through. At this age, kids are just beginning to value themselves as social beings in a very different way than they did in elementary school. They are all struggling to figure out how to do this, and they make a lot of mistakes along the way - primarily because kids this age think entirely about themselves most of the time. It's not that Kelly's friends were actively trying to leave her out or hurt her. They were simply celebrating the fact of their own inclusion, not taking into account how this would make Kelly feel. As Kelly's mother thought about that, it took the edge off and helped her know how to support her daughter.

"You know Kelly, when I was in middle school, I was left out of a big Halloween party, and I remember feeling horrible. I remember that my best friend went to that party and I didn't, and that was the worst part of all."

"So what happened, did you stop being friends?"

"No. I was mad for a while, because I thought that she did this on purpose. I thought she didn't care about me and that's why she went to the party."

"Well, I know that my friends don't care about me. And I hate them."

"Yep, I hated my friend too."

"But looking back, I can see now, that it wasn't about me at all. Kids at this age are just thinking about themselves, in that very moment, and they do the thing that makes them feel good, without thinking very much about how it makes others feel."

"Well, I don't do that. I'm ALWAYS thinking about my friends and I would never do that to them."

"Really? Is that really true? I want you to think about this. If you were the one invited to that party, would you have told your friends? What would you have done at the lunch table?"

Kelly's mom was able to get past her own emotions to help her daughter begin to move forward from a painful situation. By validating her daughter’s feelings, and not attempting to fix things, she was able to open the door to a meaningful conversation. When Kelly realizes that her mother does understand, she's open to her advice. Mom is then in a position to challenge Kelly to see her experience in a different way. Kelly can begin to let go of the idea that her friends deliberately set out to hurt her, and this mental shift away from a victim mindset to a broader understanding of the situation is the cornerstone of resilient thinking. With a shift in perspective, Kelly can then begin to move beyond her feelings and work on how she really wants to connect in the social group.