One Simple Thing Parents Can Do To Empower Their Daughters

During our teenage years, or as one of our kids likes to say - when the dinosaurs roamed the earth, the feminist movement was picking up steam and influencing media role models for women. For the first time on TV, we saw empowered women doing the great stuff men had always done. Wonder Woman lifted bad guys over her head and threw them over a wall – and looked good doing it. Single mom Shirley Partridge took her carefree musical family around the country in a tie-dyed bus. And young professional Mary Tyler Moore was going to “make it after all” in the big city. They were strong! They were independent! They had career goals and cool bellbottoms!

Who are the TV role models for our daughters?

Self-destructive Britney? Party-Girl Lindsey? Miley with her pole dancing on the Teen Choice awards? It’s depressing.

And harmful. Researchers at the University of Delaware examined the types of media most often viewed by adolescent girls: television, commercials, films, music videos, magazines and advertisements. Although they found a few intelligent female role models, there was an overwhelming amount of negative roles models. The vast majority of women and teenage girls on TV were hyper-concerned with appearance and dating. (1997, Signorielli)

How does this affect our daughters?

Study upon study shows a direct negative effect. The more that adolescent girls are exposed to fashion magazines, music videos, soaps, and commercials that depict thin models, the more they become anxious, angry, dissatisfied with their weight and appearance, and the less confident they feel. (Hargreaves, 2002).

The standard advice – and we agree with it - is to limit your daughters exposure to this media as best you can. Its challenging but worth it.

But that is not all you can do. There is a simple thing that you can do to empower your daughter And that is share stories of everyday heroes. Positive women heroes are everywhere. Women you want your daughter to look up to, admire, and emulate.

The woman down the street who had her niece and nephew come live with her when their parents could no longer take care of them.

The journalist who risked her life crossing enemy lines to tell the truth about the horror of refugee camps.

The teenage celebrity who takes time off from a promising film career to get a college education.

The female astronaut who grew up in your town.

The girl who pitches for the boys varsity baseball team in a town nearby.

The physician who uses her vacation time to work at a medical clinic in Haiti.

Everyday, everywhere people are doing amazing, wonderful, generous things – that the media may or may not pay attention to. Seek out these stories and share them , at dinner, in the car driving to soccer, before they go to bed. Let them know that there are role models out there that you value and that you believe your daughter can be just like them. Or anything else whe wants to be.

Signorielli, N. (1997, April). Reflections of girls in the media: A two-part study on gender and media. Kaiser Family foundation and Children NOW.

Hargreaves, D. (2002). Idealized Women in TV Ads Make Girls Feel Bad. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 21, 287-308.

It Must Be Mid-August

How can you tell that it's mid August?

The weather is beautiful, but your previously active and sporty son is now sitting on the couch watching re-runs on TV - and won't leave.

You offered to take your daughter and her friends to play mini-golf, a game she loves, but she snips at you, "Who wants to play that stupid game?"

Your friend Sara calls to say she can't meet you for coffee because her three kids are fighting - which is strange because they've been so nice to each other all summer.

What is going on? Why is everyone so "out-of-sorts"?

It’s mid-August Angst!

Although is still feels like summer and should be a relaxed, fun time, your kids see back-to-school ads everywhere, their required summer reading books are only ¼ of the way done and there’s only a few weeks left of summer. Most kids begin to feel “out of sorts” about transitioning back to school, but for kids in high school, it’s especially stressful. And, no wonder they feel this way. For the kids playing fall sports, they face pre-season double sessions and the anxiety of making the team. For others, they feel stress about trying out for music, theater or speech and debate groups, or joining new clubs. And all kids worry about unknown teachers, classes, and lots of homework every night. Toss in SAT prep and college applications and you can understand why they are not feeling their relaxed summer selves.
So, how can you help your stessed teen transition back to school? With compassion, empathy, good humor, and as one mom suggested, “lots of ice cream!”

Give your teen permission to be temporarily “out-of-sorts” and acknowledge that this time of year is just plain stressful for everyone.

Saying it out loud validates their feelings, let’s them know these are normal emotions, and helps to dissipate them.

And, just like when they had to give a speech in front of the class for the first time, or were about to go to sleep-away camp - they stressed, they did it, and they grew from it.

Am I a supermarket stalker?

Ginny told this story.

I am watching the "Cake Boss" on TV with one of my middle school sons, Josh. We love this show for different reasons - me because the bakers make the most astonishing creations out of sugar and flour and Josh because the Cake Boss is funny in a Mafioso kind of way. The shows ends with the Cake Boss, his three small children and his wife sitting around the dinner table:

Cake Boss: What does Daddy do?
Kids: Makes the greatest cakes in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cake Boss: And what does Mommy do?
Kids: Nothing!!
Mother puts her head on the table and the show ends.

Josh turns to me and says, "Wow! Just like you Mom!"

I am speechless.

I know Josh was kidding, but something in me went “Ugh”. Could this be true? Suddenly, my heart was in my throat, and I began to wonder. Four years of college, two years of graduate school, followed by 10 productive years in the working world before I had kids. And now, when I think about how I spend my days, I see they are completely full with mothering - shopping for food, laundry, volunteering in the school library, more laundry, and carting the kids all over the state for hockey and lacrosse. Not exactly where I thought I would be after I got my MBA.

So many fabulous stay-at-home mothers find themselves at this kind of crossroad. Often mid-career women initially feel happy to get out of the rat race and devote themselves fully to their families. But at some point, we get itchy and begin to wonder if there ought to be something more. In one of the groups we ran recently, women had a lot to share on this topic.

“I am busy all day but I am so bored!”
“I love my kids but what am I doing for my brain?”
“I want to do something more but what?”
“If they see me at the supermarket one more time they are going to think I’m a stalker”
“I’m in two book clubs, play tennis, and I joined a knitting class but I still feel like I need something else.”

The hardest part of this for women is feeling stuck. They want to do something for themselves, but they still want to be there for their kids. And, they have no idea where to begin.

The first step is to get out of your own head and pull in an empowering partner. The best thing to do is to get someone to go for a walk with you and start talking about what it is that you find fulfilling. Whether you work with an Empowerment Fitness® coach like us or whether you talk with a friend, it's important to think about the following questions: “What are your passions?, What are your strengths?, What are the things you do that make you feel most alive?”. It is so easy to forget about these things when we are always focused on taking care of other people’s needs. We have worked with so many women who are trying to re-discover their passion, skills and strengths as think about the next chapter in their lives.

Learn more about Empowerment Fitness® career coaching at
http://www.dksconsultingroup.com/

I Never Spoke to My Mother That Way!

Does any of this sound familiar?

"I'M not folding the laundry, I did it last week. It’s all YOUR stuff anyway."

"YOU need to get me new jeans"

"That is SO stupid - You have no idea what real fashion is. I can't believe you won't let me wear that."

“That is total bull! All my friends IM, text, facebook and do homework at the same time.”

"Get out of my room!!!"

Backtalk and disrespectful language was a hot topic at our recent parent workshop. Everyone had their share of examples, including us. And while memory does fail us at times, and we all remember being better kids than we probably were, truly, we would never have spoken to our mothers that way. So, why do our kids think it’s “okay" to talk to us so disrespectfully?

Part of the problem seems to come from our culture. When our parents were growing up, there was a clear idea of who was in charge - the government, the schools, the police, and most importantly, their parents. During the 60s and 70s it became an act of integrity to challenge authority. If the laws and cultural norms seemed wrong to us, we spoke out against them. In fact, talking back to authority became a good thing and we've encouraged our children to speak out when they believe something is wrong. We've taught our kids to advocate for themselves on the playground, in the classroom, and with their friends. But sometimes they go too far, and usually it's with us.

Disrespectful language can start young, but typically takes off in early adolescence. Why is that? Research on the adolescent brain tells us that kids’ brains are beginning to grow and change at a rapid pace just before puberty begins. Add a mix of hormones, growth spurts, and newfound stressors in school and in peer groups, and the kids are in a state Dr. Sharon O'Connor calls "raging nightmareness". They're full of aggressive energy, but don't have much self-control, and before you know it, they're spewing venom, ironically in situations where they know they are genuinely loved.

So, does this mean our kids get a pass when they talk back to us or act in disrespectful ways? Absolutely not. It is our job as parents to teach our kids the difference between stating an opinion, standing up for what you believe in, and speaking in a disrespectful way toward parents and other adults - and to hold them accountable when they cross the line. Teens really can learn that there are respectful ways to state an opinion or ask a question. They can also learn that they won’t always get their way, and that lashing out with back talk is unacceptable.

Let’s breathe in peace, breathe out stress and look at some positive strategies to help your teen become more respectful.

1) It's important to have a clear vision of what respectful talk in your family looks and sounds like. You want to be able to communicate to your child not only what they shouldn't do but more importantly, what they should do. There's no reason why they cannot disagree with you, if they do it in a respectful manner. Be very specific about exactly how you expect them to talk to you. And make sure to let them know there are consequences if they cross the line.

2) Choose a time to talk with your child about back talk and expectations for respectful behavior when you are both calm. The heat of an argument is not usually a successful time for discussing anything. If you are able to get your child to go on a walk with you or play a game of ping pong , so much the better. Movement always improves communication (see Jan. 20th blog Teen Not Talking? for tips on communicating with your child).

3) Practice, practice, practice. Encourage your child to practice respectful language. In general, behaviors that we practice the most are the ones we are more likely to do. This is especially important for when we are stressed and overwhelmed. Most of us are unable to think clearly when we are overwhelmed - we just react. When we’re not able to think rationally about what we’re going to do, we automatically fall back on behavior we've practiced the most. So, the more you insist that your child speak to you in respectful language, and compliment them when they do, the more likely they will use that language when they are under stress.

Backtalk is a big issue for so many parents that we talk to, and it can be really tough. If you have some strategies that have worked for you in your family, please let us know. We look forward to hearing from you, with your ideas and with your questions!

What's Wrong with OUR House?

A group of 8th grade boys have been hanging out together on Friday afternoons for several months. They play basketball or football on the street when the weather is nice, Wii or Playstation indoors when it rains, and wrestling and mauling each other for fun – rain or shine. The seven of them manage to eat all the snacks that are available, drink Gaterade by the gallon, and use approximately 400 plastic cups because they never use the same one twice! This is a group of friends who have a good time together.

You would think these boys could be happy anywhere, but when Friday rolls around, they always seem to land at the same house.

One mom tried to get her son to invite the group to their house.

"Jake, you have been at Matt’s house four Fridays in a row. Let’s have the group at our house."

"Nah"

"Jake, I don’t want Mrs. K. to have the kids at her house every week – feeding them snacks and drinks and going through all those cups."

"I don't think so."

"Why not?"

"Idunno (one word). Our house isn’t fun. There’s nothing to do here."

"Really, what do you do at Matt’s house?"

"Idunno. We play basketball or football."

"Well, we have a hoop, a football and a back yard at our house too."

"Yeh, they have better snacks.

"I’ll go shopping before the kids come. What should I get?"

"Forget it. It’s just not fun here."

Is there something wrong with Jake's house that his mother doesn't know about? Probably not. In fact, Jake's mother told us that the kids have been there before, and had a good time. So, what is going on that Jake doesn't want to have his friends at his house? Many kids worry that their house doesn't measure up and that everybody else has better "stuff". Others worry about the opposite, that they have "too much stuff", and they’ll feel embarrassed. They may also worry that there are too many rules at their house (or not enough rules) and the other kids won't have a good time. But, what all this worry really points to is Jake's negative belief that he doesn't know how to make a good time happen at his house.

Kids carry around all kinds of negative thinking that hold them back from doing things they may enjoy. This is important because we move towards what we think about! (see February 13 blog) When Jake thinks "I'm not a good host", it gets in the way of his relaxing and having fun when his friends come over, and he's left with the conclusion "it's just not fun here".

Noticing and challenging negative thinking is a way parents can really empower their kids. Once Jake’s mom understands what he’s really thinking and worried about, she can help him move beyond where he's stuck. She has an opportunity to challenge Jake's negative thinking about hosting his friends by helping him articulate his real worries, validating his concerns, then helping him figure out how to problem solve. And, she can also use a little humor to help him see where his thinking might have gone awry.

"I'm confused, when you had the boys here a few months ago and we had pizza and you played basketball, no one seemed to want to go home. It looked like they were having a lot of fun. Is there something more you're worried about?"

(shoulder shrug)"It's just a lot of work having kids over."

"What kind of work?"

"Oh, you gotta think of things to do, make sure no one wanders off, make sure no one throws food upstairs. It's not fun."

"Okay, that is a lot of stuff, and if you are focused on those hard things, you're right, it can be hard to have fun. Let's take them one at a time and try to problem solve, so you don't have to think so much when your friends are here. Can you plan things to do before the kids come?"

"Well, it's getting kind of warm, so maybe everyone could bring a squirt gun. And do you think we could have pizza and brownies?"

"Yes, that all sounds good. Now, let's see pizza, brownies, and squirt guns - do you really think we are going to have boys wandering off?"

Sexting? I don't even know what it is - how can I keep my kid from doing it?

If anybody had told us five years ago, when the oldest of our children was in middle school, that we would be talking about something called "sexting", we would have said that was crazy. Back then, in the dark ages before picture phones, family calling plans, and unlimited texting, our biggest dilemma with cell phones was whether our younger teens should have them.

But fast forward, and we mean fast, just a few years, and there we were, four women at a coffee shop talking about the 14-year-old boy charged with trafficking child pornography because he sent nude pictures of his girlfriend to his friends. And just as we were about to say "okay, but our kids don't do that", one of us admitted she caught her 8th grade son looking at a nude picture of a classmate on his phone.

"I can't believe it. Just last week he was telling me he would rather go fishing than hang out with a group of girls. And I thought, "Great! Girls can wait." Then yesterday I found a photo of a girl's breast on his phone."

What is going on here?

As parents, we were shocked on so many levels we didn’t know where to begin. Teens sexually exploiting themselves and thinking it is "ok", using their sexuality for self promotion rather than intimacy, and the lack of concern for privacy - these were just a few of the issues that upset us. And it appeared to stem from a world in which our kids are more comfortable than we are - the world of technology, which is changing more rapidly than we can keep up with.

So, why are kids acting like this? Much of the answer lies in their brain development. The parts of the adolescent brain that respond to immediate pleasures, and those that drive them to connect intensely with peers, these develop well before the parts of the brain that imagine future consequences. This leads to impulsive behavior that can be dangerous. Mix in new technology and media driven sexual desensitization, and you have teen "sexting".

This is frightening to parents. In our fast-paced, technology driven, media saturated world, we are faced with issues that are unique to this generation of teens. And although the reality is that "risky" behavior is developmentally normal for teens, the stakes feel higher and the risks feel riskier.

Still, there are things parents can do. When we coach parents, we talk about many issues related to teens and technology such as creating clear expectations and rules for how cell phones and computers should be used, stating what the consequences are if rules are broken, making sure kids understand the power of the internet and text messages, and having kids take responsibility for their actions when they negatively effect other people. Most important, we stress that this is an excellent opportunity to have a real conversation with your kids.

Psychologists point out that our actions are governed by the ideas we hold in our head. We tell kids you move toward what you think about. So talk to your teens about what you WANT them to do, not what you don't want them to do. Lecturing them about not "sexting" only makes it more interesting. Instead, focus the conversation on the values you hold and the behavior you want them to practice. What is a healthy, respectful relationship? What is intimacy and where does sex fit in? Why is personal privacy so important? Whatever positive values you hold about relationships - this is a great time to share them.

And here is something really, really important. Even if it looks like your teen is not listening to a word you are saying- including, but not limited to, staring at the wall, playing with a broken paper clip, rolling their eyes, muttering “whatever” - they hear everything you say. So keep talking about what you want your kids to know.

Mean Girls - They're Everywhere

Emily is in the 7th grade. She came home from school really upset one day because her best friend Sarah sat with the popular girls at lunch. Even worse, Sarah ignored Emily and pretended that she didn't know her. Emily's mom was glad she was sharing, and jumped right in to give her daughter lots of "good advice".

You mean to tell me Sarah ignored you?

Mom, I don’t want to talk about it.

What kind of best friend is that?

It’s not that big a deal- just forget about it.

If I were you, I'd start finding myself a new best friend.

Emily, now feeling terrible, storms out.

There's no doubt that middle school girls have a very clear sense of what it means to be a true friend. When we ask them to describe the qualities of a "good friend", they tell us she is loyal, kind, a good listener, and fun to be with. Yet, so many of them get hurt when their best friend behaves in ways that are just the opposite. And despite Mom's best efforts, Emily does not want to dump her mean girl friend. The girls are very attached, and there are moments when Sarah is kind and supportive, just like she has been since kindergarten.

So, how do we teach girls to take care of themselves in these situations?

By teaching them the difference between empowering partners - the people in our lives who cheer us on and help us feel good about ourselves - and energy drainers - the people who say negative things and act in ways that make us feel insecure and badly about ourselves.

Most young teens (and some adults) tend to think in terms of black and white, but friendship is an issue that can be kind of grey. The teen years are tough because kids are constantly growing and changing, trying to figure out who they are, and how to fit in socially and feel okay about themselves. Friends can be empowering partners in some situations and energy drainers in others. The trick for any kid is to be able to identify the differences, and spend more time with their friends when they are empowering than when they are not. Emily's mom can help her navigate this, first by validating how hurt she is, and then encouraging her to branch out to new friends at lunch time, and save her time with Sarah for those situations when their old friendship still works.