I Never Spoke to My Mother That Way!

Does any of this sound familiar?

"I'M not folding the laundry, I did it last week. It’s all YOUR stuff anyway."

"YOU need to get me new jeans"

"That is SO stupid - You have no idea what real fashion is. I can't believe you won't let me wear that."

“That is total bull! All my friends IM, text, facebook and do homework at the same time.”

"Get out of my room!!!"

Backtalk and disrespectful language was a hot topic at our recent parent workshop. Everyone had their share of examples, including us. And while memory does fail us at times, and we all remember being better kids than we probably were, truly, we would never have spoken to our mothers that way. So, why do our kids think it’s “okay" to talk to us so disrespectfully?

Part of the problem seems to come from our culture. When our parents were growing up, there was a clear idea of who was in charge - the government, the schools, the police, and most importantly, their parents. During the 60s and 70s it became an act of integrity to challenge authority. If the laws and cultural norms seemed wrong to us, we spoke out against them. In fact, talking back to authority became a good thing and we've encouraged our children to speak out when they believe something is wrong. We've taught our kids to advocate for themselves on the playground, in the classroom, and with their friends. But sometimes they go too far, and usually it's with us.

Disrespectful language can start young, but typically takes off in early adolescence. Why is that? Research on the adolescent brain tells us that kids’ brains are beginning to grow and change at a rapid pace just before puberty begins. Add a mix of hormones, growth spurts, and newfound stressors in school and in peer groups, and the kids are in a state Dr. Sharon O'Connor calls "raging nightmareness". They're full of aggressive energy, but don't have much self-control, and before you know it, they're spewing venom, ironically in situations where they know they are genuinely loved.

So, does this mean our kids get a pass when they talk back to us or act in disrespectful ways? Absolutely not. It is our job as parents to teach our kids the difference between stating an opinion, standing up for what you believe in, and speaking in a disrespectful way toward parents and other adults - and to hold them accountable when they cross the line. Teens really can learn that there are respectful ways to state an opinion or ask a question. They can also learn that they won’t always get their way, and that lashing out with back talk is unacceptable.

Let’s breathe in peace, breathe out stress and look at some positive strategies to help your teen become more respectful.

1) It's important to have a clear vision of what respectful talk in your family looks and sounds like. You want to be able to communicate to your child not only what they shouldn't do but more importantly, what they should do. There's no reason why they cannot disagree with you, if they do it in a respectful manner. Be very specific about exactly how you expect them to talk to you. And make sure to let them know there are consequences if they cross the line.

2) Choose a time to talk with your child about back talk and expectations for respectful behavior when you are both calm. The heat of an argument is not usually a successful time for discussing anything. If you are able to get your child to go on a walk with you or play a game of ping pong , so much the better. Movement always improves communication (see Jan. 20th blog Teen Not Talking? for tips on communicating with your child).

3) Practice, practice, practice. Encourage your child to practice respectful language. In general, behaviors that we practice the most are the ones we are more likely to do. This is especially important for when we are stressed and overwhelmed. Most of us are unable to think clearly when we are overwhelmed - we just react. When we’re not able to think rationally about what we’re going to do, we automatically fall back on behavior we've practiced the most. So, the more you insist that your child speak to you in respectful language, and compliment them when they do, the more likely they will use that language when they are under stress.

Backtalk is a big issue for so many parents that we talk to, and it can be really tough. If you have some strategies that have worked for you in your family, please let us know. We look forward to hearing from you, with your ideas and with your questions!