What's Wrong with OUR House?

A group of 8th grade boys have been hanging out together on Friday afternoons for several months. They play basketball or football on the street when the weather is nice, Wii or Playstation indoors when it rains, and wrestling and mauling each other for fun – rain or shine. The seven of them manage to eat all the snacks that are available, drink Gaterade by the gallon, and use approximately 400 plastic cups because they never use the same one twice! This is a group of friends who have a good time together.

You would think these boys could be happy anywhere, but when Friday rolls around, they always seem to land at the same house.

One mom tried to get her son to invite the group to their house.

"Jake, you have been at Matt’s house four Fridays in a row. Let’s have the group at our house."

"Nah"

"Jake, I don’t want Mrs. K. to have the kids at her house every week – feeding them snacks and drinks and going through all those cups."

"I don't think so."

"Why not?"

"Idunno (one word). Our house isn’t fun. There’s nothing to do here."

"Really, what do you do at Matt’s house?"

"Idunno. We play basketball or football."

"Well, we have a hoop, a football and a back yard at our house too."

"Yeh, they have better snacks.

"I’ll go shopping before the kids come. What should I get?"

"Forget it. It’s just not fun here."

Is there something wrong with Jake's house that his mother doesn't know about? Probably not. In fact, Jake's mother told us that the kids have been there before, and had a good time. So, what is going on that Jake doesn't want to have his friends at his house? Many kids worry that their house doesn't measure up and that everybody else has better "stuff". Others worry about the opposite, that they have "too much stuff", and they’ll feel embarrassed. They may also worry that there are too many rules at their house (or not enough rules) and the other kids won't have a good time. But, what all this worry really points to is Jake's negative belief that he doesn't know how to make a good time happen at his house.

Kids carry around all kinds of negative thinking that hold them back from doing things they may enjoy. This is important because we move towards what we think about! (see February 13 blog) When Jake thinks "I'm not a good host", it gets in the way of his relaxing and having fun when his friends come over, and he's left with the conclusion "it's just not fun here".

Noticing and challenging negative thinking is a way parents can really empower their kids. Once Jake’s mom understands what he’s really thinking and worried about, she can help him move beyond where he's stuck. She has an opportunity to challenge Jake's negative thinking about hosting his friends by helping him articulate his real worries, validating his concerns, then helping him figure out how to problem solve. And, she can also use a little humor to help him see where his thinking might have gone awry.

"I'm confused, when you had the boys here a few months ago and we had pizza and you played basketball, no one seemed to want to go home. It looked like they were having a lot of fun. Is there something more you're worried about?"

(shoulder shrug)"It's just a lot of work having kids over."

"What kind of work?"

"Oh, you gotta think of things to do, make sure no one wanders off, make sure no one throws food upstairs. It's not fun."

"Okay, that is a lot of stuff, and if you are focused on those hard things, you're right, it can be hard to have fun. Let's take them one at a time and try to problem solve, so you don't have to think so much when your friends are here. Can you plan things to do before the kids come?"

"Well, it's getting kind of warm, so maybe everyone could bring a squirt gun. And do you think we could have pizza and brownies?"

"Yes, that all sounds good. Now, let's see pizza, brownies, and squirt guns - do you really think we are going to have boys wandering off?"

Sexting? I don't even know what it is - how can I keep my kid from doing it?

If anybody had told us five years ago, when the oldest of our children was in middle school, that we would be talking about something called "sexting", we would have said that was crazy. Back then, in the dark ages before picture phones, family calling plans, and unlimited texting, our biggest dilemma with cell phones was whether our younger teens should have them.

But fast forward, and we mean fast, just a few years, and there we were, four women at a coffee shop talking about the 14-year-old boy charged with trafficking child pornography because he sent nude pictures of his girlfriend to his friends. And just as we were about to say "okay, but our kids don't do that", one of us admitted she caught her 8th grade son looking at a nude picture of a classmate on his phone.

"I can't believe it. Just last week he was telling me he would rather go fishing than hang out with a group of girls. And I thought, "Great! Girls can wait." Then yesterday I found a photo of a girl's breast on his phone."

What is going on here?

As parents, we were shocked on so many levels we didn’t know where to begin. Teens sexually exploiting themselves and thinking it is "ok", using their sexuality for self promotion rather than intimacy, and the lack of concern for privacy - these were just a few of the issues that upset us. And it appeared to stem from a world in which our kids are more comfortable than we are - the world of technology, which is changing more rapidly than we can keep up with.

So, why are kids acting like this? Much of the answer lies in their brain development. The parts of the adolescent brain that respond to immediate pleasures, and those that drive them to connect intensely with peers, these develop well before the parts of the brain that imagine future consequences. This leads to impulsive behavior that can be dangerous. Mix in new technology and media driven sexual desensitization, and you have teen "sexting".

This is frightening to parents. In our fast-paced, technology driven, media saturated world, we are faced with issues that are unique to this generation of teens. And although the reality is that "risky" behavior is developmentally normal for teens, the stakes feel higher and the risks feel riskier.

Still, there are things parents can do. When we coach parents, we talk about many issues related to teens and technology such as creating clear expectations and rules for how cell phones and computers should be used, stating what the consequences are if rules are broken, making sure kids understand the power of the internet and text messages, and having kids take responsibility for their actions when they negatively effect other people. Most important, we stress that this is an excellent opportunity to have a real conversation with your kids.

Psychologists point out that our actions are governed by the ideas we hold in our head. We tell kids you move toward what you think about. So talk to your teens about what you WANT them to do, not what you don't want them to do. Lecturing them about not "sexting" only makes it more interesting. Instead, focus the conversation on the values you hold and the behavior you want them to practice. What is a healthy, respectful relationship? What is intimacy and where does sex fit in? Why is personal privacy so important? Whatever positive values you hold about relationships - this is a great time to share them.

And here is something really, really important. Even if it looks like your teen is not listening to a word you are saying- including, but not limited to, staring at the wall, playing with a broken paper clip, rolling their eyes, muttering “whatever” - they hear everything you say. So keep talking about what you want your kids to know.